There was a king born in Otuoke named Jona. He prophesied from his aquatic horizon that he had no shoes in 2011 and over 80 million Nigerians who are shoeless like him trooped out en-masse to adopt him as their messiah. The masses defiled all political permutations, rejected his party platform called PDP and voted him to save them.
Few months after his adoption as messiah to save Nigerians, he entered the synagogue in January 1st, 2012 and started preaching to his followers, “I will deregulate the oil sector, remove subsidy and rebuild the economy in 3days! There was murmuring of resistance in the crowd and from then on, the masses started looking for more evidence to crucify him.
They brought to him one woman who, though not a prostitute, used the wealth of her people to hire private jets worth billions. This woman is called Dieziani, she is known and notorious in amassing and mismanagement of resources. Jona kept mute for hours and as more crowd gathered, he lifted his face and asked the masses to cast the first stone if they never stole. They left in anger one by one. He asked the woman to go and continue to steal but never be corrupt!
On April 14th, 2014 at about 6:45am, two bombs exploded at a crowded bus station 8 km southwest of central Abuja, killing at least 88 people and injuring at least 200. Jona visited the scene the next day. He squeezed his face and told the crowd that terrorism will not defeat us and zoomed off to Kano to welcome a political nomad called Shakarau. Recall that Shakarau is a political destitute in Kano who converted to PDP religion after a great emperor named Kwankwasiya dethroned him and adopted all his followers. This Kano visit marks the first fall of Jona with the cross on our journey to Golgotha.
Meanwhile, Jona was brought to Pirate by the masses. His advisers and cronies started to defend him before Pirate but were very incoherent. This is the encounter with him/his disciples.
“The Abuja blast was an attack on all Nigerians," said Jona, but one of his guards countered him.
“No, It was sponsored by the APC,” said PDP Publicity Secretary Olisa Metuh.
And another guard, Information Minister Labaran Maku shouted, “the terrorist aim is to stop governance that is why GEJ went to Kano to dance Kukere and Azonto after the blast.”
This marks Jona's second fall on our journey to Golgotha.
As Jona was crowded with the spirit of Olingo and Ihe-di-na-ukwu (by Flavour) in Kano, over 300 girls were kidnapped by Boko Haram insurgents at Chibok in Borno State. Then King Herod took over the interrogation and his disciples were once again very incompetent to save him. The disciples this time were led by first son of the deity Ogbakiri named Reno who parades invisibly with the name Wendell Simlin. When asked why no security meeting after the blast by Herod, this conversation ensued:
"The APC governors shuned the security meeting," said Reno Omorkri, Special Advisor to Jona on New Media.
"Mr. President has summoned all the state governors for emergency security meeting," said Reuben Abati.
"No! The APC was not invited; it was a PDP governors' meeting," said Governor Akpabio.
"The APC did not boycott any meeting. The PDP canceled the meeting," said Lai Mohammed.
"We took the decision to meet with the President in Jigawa," said Governor TA Orji.
When pressed further on the fate of the kidnapped victims, they continued:
“We have rescued the kidnapped school pupils! Only eight of them are yet to be rescued," said Chris Olukolade.
"Our military is on the trail of the kidnappers, they have conquered the kidnappers," said Doyin Okupe.
"No pupil was rescued, 14 escaped from the kidnappers but were not rescued," said the school's principal.
"We informed the relevant authority four hours before the kidnap," said the Borno government.
"The military was misinformed by the principal, truly none of the pupils have been rescued," said Olukolade.
"I only said what the army authorities told me, I am not part of the army," said Okupe.
At this juncture, "crucify him! crucify him! crucify him!" resounds in the air and Pirate handed him over to the masses to crucify him.
On the journey to Golgotha, women of Jerusalem were sighted at Unity Fountain in Abuja weeping for their abducted children.
Then there comes a woman who some people refer to as Faka, but Evans Bipi from Riverine proclaimed her as jisos of Okrika clan. She mounted the pulpit and started speaking in tongues.
“Chai, chai chai, diarrisss god ooooo, the bloods we are chiarring in Bolonu will aansa," she said.
The masses were a bit confused because they were not yet infected with the spirit of her grammar and everyone was gazing at each other. This is to fulfill what a prophet from Sango named Soyinka said in the scripture, "arents should be mindful and guard their kids from watching Hippopotamus speak.”
And when the COUNTRY was possessed with the “spirit of world attention”, they stripped Jona naked before the world and cast lots on who would take his garments; then started dancing naked again.
Then the Minister of Internal affairs said there would be no negotiation with Boko Haram. But the National Orientation agency said "all options were open."
The defense headquarters said "we are studying the situation."
Maku, the Information Minister said, "we are studying and analyzing the militant's video and its content, we are ready to go to any length."
The minister of Special Duties said "we are ready for dialogue."
Finally the British minister said the president told him there was "no dialogue".
This is to fulfill the scripture that they will never agree on any objective national issue because their blood is embedded with lies ad deceit.
On getting to Golgotha, he was crucified with two thieves, on the right hand was the leader of British troops and on the left hand was the leader of American troops.
The American thief mocked him, "if you care about your government, you will step down from this cross unharmed with us." The British leader interjected, "shut up, you know our interest in all this brouhaha is their oil, why the mockery?" Jona replied to the British leader, "if I survive till 2015, you will be with me in paradise of oil wells."
As the main hour approaches, I will brief you on his last word on the cross.
I’m reporting from the foot of the cross here in Golgotha.
OKEKE GODWIN IYKE
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial policy of SaharaReporters